Darkness
On the hill sat a broken soul
Pursuing unnecessary atonement
For sins he did not hold
His own torturing mind his imprisonment
The mask that is for assurance
To hide his dismay
But beneath the surface
Tears continue to sway
Locked away he will wait
As despair conquers his facade
Till someone who has the courage
To help bring the
Sunrise
omg ibe gad to re-write thos thing milluon of rimes... hope its ok I need slerp
Full Version: Waitng for Sunrise
Naruto Community - Naruto Shippuuden Episodes & Naruto Bittorrent > Graphics, FanArt, and Fanfics Discussion > Fan Poetry
really cool...
got definite talent
got definite talent
very deep and emotional.
were u going through hard times when writing this?
lol
were u going through hard times when writing this?
lol
<3 Matt so raw and emotional. Really good.
Zomg I posted this? Hahaha thanks guys ^^ I would have liked to... clean it up a bit to fit the style I was trying to do (less syllables) but I think leaving it like this keeps the raw emotion in it 
The format is :
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It may be hard to understand but it's about a person who is really breaking on the inside and doesn't say anything cause he thinks he deserves it. And people don't know what he is going through but he continues to wait for someone to figure it out and help him in his darkest time
But thank you all <3
The format is :Contrast
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o2
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It may be hard to understand but it's about a person who is really breaking on the inside and doesn't say anything cause he thinks he deserves it. And people don't know what he is going through but he continues to wait for someone to figure it out and help him in his darkest time
But thank you all <3
QUOTE (Hotagi101 @ Dec 8 2008, 01:23 PM) 
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speaking martian? lol. i do not know what that means.
lol it basically means that it begins and ends with contrasting words then the verses rythm with the next line over.
lol I don't even understand after that explanation Matt 
But I certainly can tell if I have been moved or not. And I was moved!
But I certainly can tell if I have been moved or not. And I was moved!
hahha same here. obviously hotagi is on a different plane than us
yep yep^^ loved it matt!! =3
It's not bad, but I would suggest, since you're going for the rhyming style that I enjoy myself (e.g. alternating stanzas), that you clean up the diction.
Esp concerning the first stanza. The flow is disrupted very much through the overuse of syllables.
Now, I appreciate the Chiastic approach (well, not exactly, since it has two same ideas with an emphasis on the middle), but you obviously have an emphasis on the middle, but it doesn't work with the words.
It starts in darkness, and then in (perhaps) anticipation.
You can do good things, but be scrupulous in what you do (moreso than you are).
Esp concerning the first stanza. The flow is disrupted very much through the overuse of syllables.
Now, I appreciate the Chiastic approach (well, not exactly, since it has two same ideas with an emphasis on the middle), but you obviously have an emphasis on the middle, but it doesn't work with the words.
It starts in darkness, and then in (perhaps) anticipation.
You can do good things, but be scrupulous in what you do (moreso than you are).
QUOTE (TESM @ Dec 19 2008, 09:22 PM)
It's not bad, but I would suggest, since you're going for the rhyming style that I enjoy myself (e.g. alternating stanzas), that you clean up the diction.
Esp concerning the first stanza. The flow is disrupted very much through the overuse of syllables.
Now, I appreciate the Chiastic approach (well, not exactly, since it has two same ideas with an emphasis on the middle), but you obviously have an emphasis on the middle, but it doesn't work with the words.
It starts in darkness, and then in (perhaps) anticipation.
You can do good things, but be scrupulous in what you do (moreso than you are).
Esp concerning the first stanza. The flow is disrupted very much through the overuse of syllables.
Now, I appreciate the Chiastic approach (well, not exactly, since it has two same ideas with an emphasis on the middle), but you obviously have an emphasis on the middle, but it doesn't work with the words.
It starts in darkness, and then in (perhaps) anticipation.
You can do good things, but be scrupulous in what you do (moreso than you are).
Thank you ^^ This is the type of comment I was dieing for =D
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